The whole reason for naming this blog, having a tattoo of same, and acknowledging the joy i find in the color purple is to represent evolving, transformation and growth. When i am evolving i am learning, growing , experiencing. From this exploration comes hopefully lessons learned. Most of which i find uncomfortable and painful. Many people have learned at a younger age, but i had chose to hide, run, deny, my feelings rather then effectively deal with them. While it may be important to know why i did this, and I can with some certainty put a time and circumstances surrounding the start of this behavior, i focus on the present.
Let me first just say for insight purposes something that i must be clear about. No judgement, excuses, just given facts, and how i think and act based on my personality traits, and the knowledge i am gaining. This has been a long time coming, and i would like to be more consistent with my blog. To fill in the beginning missing chapters that have brought me to this point in my journey.
1. I am a bisexual male
2. I have the DISEASE of addiction ~ (disease) is the key word that works for me
3. I am predominately a portrait of an ISTJ person ~ with also INTJ traits.
4. I
(work in progress and more to follow)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
~ Flashfry~
~Disclaimer~ I like to believe we have choices in all . This is called freewill
However at this particular moment i cant seem to put it any other way then ~ I am being forced to acknowledge and deal with accordingly as i think best (freewill) issues and feelings, that needed attention . Again however the circumstances as to how this has happened is very distressful,painful ,emotional . Like being put in a pressure cooker and fast forwarding, flash fry,rather then just cooking. It reminds me of one should be careful what one wishes for in case......
Be careful of the questions you ask ,for you may not like the answer. All in all i am glad things are being dealt with . Its the timing and flash frying that resulted from cause and effect and the cascade of lack of answers and swirl of emotions that are .....
The consequences not only to ourselves but others when decisions are made. The weighing of that on a scale of potential damage ,collateral damage,possible death vs positive aspects. If the cost seems to great maybe another avenue to the end result might be considered? Then again it comes down to basically degrees of acceptability (which is relative). I am not a seer ,but MY experience is that when i force things and my will, that implosion/explosion causing damage happens and i feel that it was not worth the answer or outcome i sought. In those cases all i can do is hope not to repeat the same . Like a song by Neil Young ( the damage done) How does one pick up the pieces again and rebuild? If and i say IF? that is what is desired..... If it is and feelings make it to hard then what? Time is no longer a luxury based on the first event being forced and the following chain effect . At least some honesty to make an educated decision is there. I will be praying for strength to see this through and guidance
However at this particular moment i cant seem to put it any other way then ~ I am being forced to acknowledge and deal with accordingly as i think best (freewill) issues and feelings, that needed attention . Again however the circumstances as to how this has happened is very distressful,painful ,emotional . Like being put in a pressure cooker and fast forwarding, flash fry,rather then just cooking. It reminds me of one should be careful what one wishes for in case......
Be careful of the questions you ask ,for you may not like the answer. All in all i am glad things are being dealt with . Its the timing and flash frying that resulted from cause and effect and the cascade of lack of answers and swirl of emotions that are .....
The consequences not only to ourselves but others when decisions are made. The weighing of that on a scale of potential damage ,collateral damage,possible death vs positive aspects. If the cost seems to great maybe another avenue to the end result might be considered? Then again it comes down to basically degrees of acceptability (which is relative). I am not a seer ,but MY experience is that when i force things and my will, that implosion/explosion causing damage happens and i feel that it was not worth the answer or outcome i sought. In those cases all i can do is hope not to repeat the same . Like a song by Neil Young ( the damage done) How does one pick up the pieces again and rebuild? If and i say IF? that is what is desired..... If it is and feelings make it to hard then what? Time is no longer a luxury based on the first event being forced and the following chain effect . At least some honesty to make an educated decision is there. I will be praying for strength to see this through and guidance
Sunday, December 11, 2011
~TIME~
The holiday season is in full swing. I look back at one year ago and now. The changes for better or for worse in many areas including relationships and personal growth, and know i am in a better frame of mind then this point last year. For that i am extremely grateful. This is due to my HP of course, and my efforts to use healthy tools at my disposal, with the help of others (friends and some family) close to me.
Many revelations have surfaced while others elude me. Those that have come to the surface still bear more scrutiny. TIME was and is the answer. As more TIME goes by the more secure stable i feel and become. Though it is not a linear process ,but cyclic, it still heals and teaches. For TIME will show the frequency and intensity of feelings. Whether they diminish and weaken or increase and strengthen. Then again always always new ones pop up needing attention. .When feelings for those close to me shift the dilemma begins as to meanings of said feelings and how to process.Where is the healthy boundary to step back and withdraw as a defensive mechanism to avoid hurt or to just be aware and continue on as though the shift is not important. Change is growth and growth is good if in a healthy manner.
What makes it hard are expectations and denial. To take someone else's words at face value ,or to with my own experience in similar areas see ahead to the inevitable result, given probability/statistics. Denial?Unrealistic/Misplaced expectations? Wishful thinking?
I believe in choices and consequences and we make our path of destiny. Timing is crucial and i know my timing lacks appropriateness, but my HP's timing is perfect. I believe what was meant to be will be in that time not necessarily my time. Just go on best i can and leave the results to my HP and know it will be as it should,and attempt to deal with accordingly. Sometimes in my search for peace and serenity, all that i can be and understand. It is best to refrain from asking questions. I may not like the answers. It may be a distraction to what is really important and i will then lose focus on what and who i am and can be given ~TIME~
Many revelations have surfaced while others elude me. Those that have come to the surface still bear more scrutiny. TIME was and is the answer. As more TIME goes by the more secure stable i feel and become. Though it is not a linear process ,but cyclic, it still heals and teaches. For TIME will show the frequency and intensity of feelings. Whether they diminish and weaken or increase and strengthen. Then again always always new ones pop up needing attention. .When feelings for those close to me shift the dilemma begins as to meanings of said feelings and how to process.Where is the healthy boundary to step back and withdraw as a defensive mechanism to avoid hurt or to just be aware and continue on as though the shift is not important. Change is growth and growth is good if in a healthy manner.
What makes it hard are expectations and denial. To take someone else's words at face value ,or to with my own experience in similar areas see ahead to the inevitable result, given probability/statistics. Denial?Unrealistic/Misplaced expectations? Wishful thinking?
I believe in choices and consequences and we make our path of destiny. Timing is crucial and i know my timing lacks appropriateness, but my HP's timing is perfect. I believe what was meant to be will be in that time not necessarily my time. Just go on best i can and leave the results to my HP and know it will be as it should,and attempt to deal with accordingly. Sometimes in my search for peace and serenity, all that i can be and understand. It is best to refrain from asking questions. I may not like the answers. It may be a distraction to what is really important and i will then lose focus on what and who i am and can be given ~TIME~
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Intimacy and... ~~~Oh how i wish ~For soothing rain~ All I wish is to dream again~ My loving heart~ Lost in the dark~for hope I'd give my everything~~~
To offer intimacy and be rejected, to find it and dismiss it, which is worse? In both cases it eludes us, and for those who wear their hearts on their shoulders it is not a pleasant feeling.When the romantic yearns to be released and finds no home,then the questions start to abound. Answers are scare, the soul searching begins and beliefs and faith are in jeopardy. Though I find pain to be one of many motivators, the intensity can be overwhelming, destructive, with possible catastrophic consequences. Which can only be countered by faith and beliefs that are becoming challenged, wavering and opaque. Faith is trust, hope and belief without evidence
Logical reasoning may proceed from any set of assumptions, positive or negative. In this view, faith is simply a positive assumption.
What i have learned is that i cannot rush intimacy. It has its own speed and that, i find very frustrating indeed. A plethora of sayings come to mind. Most of which tremble with the tremors of challenge. Will they stand? Will some survive? Will some see me through the darkness I now find approaching and parts of myself in? I see the quagmire approaching and tread lightly and cautiously, navigating the best i know how given the tools learned. At least i have past experience. Now the path i take in any direction will be wrought with intense feelings. That is my uncomfortableness~the intensity and its effects and actions i choose in dealing with them. I do not do well with feelings. I have run from, drowned, denied, set fire to, discarded them. If change is growth, and growth is learning,then it is being forced upon me by life. I am tired of learning , but the alternative is not a great one either.
So the winds of change blow and "winter is coming''. Is this just the beginning?
~~~Oh how i wish ~For soothing rain~ All I wish is to dream again~ My loving heart~ Lost in the dark~for hope I'd give my everything~~~ ( excerpt from band Nightwish song Nemo )
Logical reasoning may proceed from any set of assumptions, positive or negative. In this view, faith is simply a positive assumption.
What i have learned is that i cannot rush intimacy. It has its own speed and that, i find very frustrating indeed. A plethora of sayings come to mind. Most of which tremble with the tremors of challenge. Will they stand? Will some survive? Will some see me through the darkness I now find approaching and parts of myself in? I see the quagmire approaching and tread lightly and cautiously, navigating the best i know how given the tools learned. At least i have past experience. Now the path i take in any direction will be wrought with intense feelings. That is my uncomfortableness~the intensity and its effects and actions i choose in dealing with them. I do not do well with feelings. I have run from, drowned, denied, set fire to, discarded them. If change is growth, and growth is learning,then it is being forced upon me by life. I am tired of learning , but the alternative is not a great one either.
So the winds of change blow and "winter is coming''. Is this just the beginning?
~~~Oh how i wish ~For soothing rain~ All I wish is to dream again~ My loving heart~ Lost in the dark~for hope I'd give my everything~~~ ( excerpt from band Nightwish song Nemo )
Monday, October 3, 2011
Winds of Change
Leaves are changing colors, temperatures are cooling, winds of change are inevitable. I feel the inner vibrations of gears shifting, hopefully in a healthy way. Some will be by my choice and decisions, others will not. In either and all events the time has come to make clear concise communication of these events and thoughts, letting the breeze unfurrow some wrinkles and reap the consequences. To be held accountable and not mix words. To reflect honestly, examine, and act with a clear goal in mind.
There are many thoughts and emotions which need attention. Dreams to be circled or discarded. I dare not write many down for fear of fragmented ideas and the pain associated with some. Processing it instead internally and acting accordingly rather then reacting. That is all i can do for now and have faith that what my higher power wants for me will prevail over what i think i want and need. I do know i desire peace, clarity, and serenity, among other things, but must wait a little longer to sow the seeds. I struggle with not being able to share with those i trust and am navigating with the batteries in the flashlight draining fast and various emotions masking deeper ones that truly matter. To bend with the wind instead of putting up walls to keep it out like in the past is one of many burdens i face.
However i endeavour to persevere.
There are many thoughts and emotions which need attention. Dreams to be circled or discarded. I dare not write many down for fear of fragmented ideas and the pain associated with some. Processing it instead internally and acting accordingly rather then reacting. That is all i can do for now and have faith that what my higher power wants for me will prevail over what i think i want and need. I do know i desire peace, clarity, and serenity, among other things, but must wait a little longer to sow the seeds. I struggle with not being able to share with those i trust and am navigating with the batteries in the flashlight draining fast and various emotions masking deeper ones that truly matter. To bend with the wind instead of putting up walls to keep it out like in the past is one of many burdens i face.
However i endeavour to persevere.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dare to Dream
Today i will continue to dream. Making the attempt to stay in the precious present , and let the future unfold and be revealed, despite the whirlwind of emotions. This is very difficult but necessary. A balancing act i believe with planning goals and being spontaneous.There are so many feelings and thoughts,that serenity is fleeting at best. I love the way i feel when i can open up to others, and surround myself with their acceptance and nonjudgmental, understanding, empathy. So much to write and share with you, now that i truly feel i have another avenue of expression and let those in my inner circle eat their popcorn, take a trip down THIS rabbit hole and be .......
The future denotes fear and fear can be countered with faith.FEAR is F alse E vents A ppearing R eal. Given the choice the present seems much more sane. If i can concentrate on the present, i can make the future~Hmmm interesting. However what about the illusion of controlling ones destiny? Just an illusion at best.
FYI~I am a recovering addict/alcoholic with 13 years of clean time by the grace of my Higher Power, and still at times just as sick as day one. My thinking can be unrealistic and twisted at times, and the key is to recognize those times and proceed in a healthy manner. Changing the unhealthy thinking and behaviors with new healthier ones. To diminish the frequency and intensity of above and proactively work on the goal of being more healthy in all areas. Emotionally (feelings) , Spiritually (faith,trust), Mentally (thoughts and thinking), Physical (the acts of)
A tall order indeed ,but what i have realized and am realizing about myself is I desire so badly~ the deep intimacy, and like the Grinch have my heart swell with love and happiness.I just have a very hard time achieving this. The door is ajar, and i will be pushing it open more. Exploring, Experiencing, Dreaming towards that number one goal, and sharing my hopes dreams fears and desires with the one i love. I still refuse to not~ Dare to Dream
The future denotes fear and fear can be countered with faith.FEAR is F alse E vents A ppearing R eal. Given the choice the present seems much more sane. If i can concentrate on the present, i can make the future~Hmmm interesting. However what about the illusion of controlling ones destiny? Just an illusion at best.
FYI~I am a recovering addict/alcoholic with 13 years of clean time by the grace of my Higher Power, and still at times just as sick as day one. My thinking can be unrealistic and twisted at times, and the key is to recognize those times and proceed in a healthy manner. Changing the unhealthy thinking and behaviors with new healthier ones. To diminish the frequency and intensity of above and proactively work on the goal of being more healthy in all areas. Emotionally (feelings) , Spiritually (faith,trust), Mentally (thoughts and thinking), Physical (the acts of)
A tall order indeed ,but what i have realized and am realizing about myself is I desire so badly~ the deep intimacy, and like the Grinch have my heart swell with love and happiness.I just have a very hard time achieving this. The door is ajar, and i will be pushing it open more. Exploring, Experiencing, Dreaming towards that number one goal, and sharing my hopes dreams fears and desires with the one i love. I still refuse to not~ Dare to Dream
Saturday, September 10, 2011
New Beginings~ Dream, Explore, Discover
Hello and welcome visitors, I am very new and unfamiliar with blogs,punctuation. I see a spell check so most of you will be able to read my ramblings for better or for worse and perhaps relate or even smile. This promises to be at the very least interesting and at times entertaining. Buckle up. For those that already know me, I'm sure you already have your seat belts on and bowl of popcorn ready.~Kichert~Thank you and hugs to the one who made this possible. For without her help i would not be here.
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